"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"

Alsation: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Make me.

Excerpt from a dog's blog

Day number 180

> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!

> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181

> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!

> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182

> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. In addition they're moody and they leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

*****

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be a! lone, they want to play.

In addition they leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss and They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats

Walks into a bar...

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. He tells the bartender that his dog can talk, and even answer questions. The bartender is incredulous, so the man says that if he proves it then his drinks for the night should be on the house. The bartender agrees.

"What's on the top of the house?", the man asks his dog.

"Woof" says the dog.

"What does sandpaper feel like"

"Ruf" responds the faithful canine

"Who's the best all-time baseball player"

"Rut" says the dog

"Get out of here and don't come back", says the bartender.

The man and the dog aresitting on the curb.

"Maybe I should have said "Ty Cobb" instead".

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!"

The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."

The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!"

The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!"

The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."

The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?"

The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

The Good Old Days

Two greyhounds are sitting at a bar reminiscing about their glory days and drowning their sorrows that they are long over.

After one or two golden coloured lemonades one confesses to the other "I was in my prime, winning 2 out of three races I entered and I got struck down by something no-one in the dog racing community had seen before"

"My trainer had not seen it, my owner was desperate and searched everywhere high and low to find an answer but they could not find an answer and I am still affected to this day"

"My god, what happened to you?" asks the other dog with the bartender paying rapt attention.

"Well it's a bit embarrassing but I will tell you any way. I prepared for the race day exactly the same way as I always did I was feeling good and I felt in top form. I started the race fine I chased the bunny and was way out ahead, but just as I was rounding the bend it started, at first it was a small fart, then the next one was bigger and louder, then the pressure in my gut was just too much and I had to stop for a crap, by the time I'd finished all the other dogs had passed me and I came in last"

Suddenly a horse pipes up a little way down the bar "You know what I had exactly the same thing happen to me"

Both dogs look at each other and go "Holy crap, a talking horse "

Things We Can Learn From our dogs

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

Jesus sees you

A thief walks into a house at night and shines his torch around. He immediately spots a stereo. As soon as he reaches it he hears a voice behind him say, "Jesus is watching you."

He quickly switches his torch off thinking at first that someone has caught him, then after nothing happens, decides that he was hearing things and promises himself a holiday as soon as he finishes the burglary.

He turns the torch back on and starts to unhook the stereo. When he hears it again - "Jesus is watching you."

He shines the torch around and sees a parrot in a cage.

"Did you say that?" he asks.

"Yeah," the parrot replies. "I was just trying to warn you."

"Shut up bird!" the thief shouts.

"My name is Moses. Not 'Bird'," says the parrot.

"What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" the thief mocks.

"The same kind of people that would name a Rotweiler Jesus." replies the parrot.

Help wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said," I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

Dear Dog

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years - canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this strongly enough!